Reaching deep inside

Have you ever cared for a dying individual...a person who truly is on their last days? I have cared for children that I didn't know were dying...and died suddenly. Those are always hard because it's like a cruel surprise. I've never been there, being the primary caregiver for a dying child. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

This child I have had the pleasure to care for this whole weekend is a child who is well known to me. I've known him the entire two years I've worked as a nurse...and it is hard to see him on what we know will be his last admission. It takes every ounce of me to not burst into tears every time I see him in his deteriorating condition. He's still the same sweet boy...who loves music and Beyonce...and yet it's hard for him even to speak anymore. He's so scared and nervous, and I have to be strong for him. He can NOT see how upset it makes me when I have to do EVERYTHING for him when I know that 2 weeks ago, he was doing this for himself. He says thank you every time I leave the room, and doesn't want to be alone...which I totally understand.

Death is not a journey I wish for any person's child. Parents should not have to outlive their children. As a nurse, I see the entire spectrum of grief...from all the family parading in to say their final goodbyes...to the mother who can't figure out how to say good-bye. I am expected to stay strong...and not waver. But that's just not possible. I am human after all. The last two nights, I haven't slept well...and am having all kinds of bizarre dreams. I find myself wanting to call up to work to find out how he's doing, both afraid of the bad news I'll hear but not wanting to be left out of the loop.

So, I sit and wait. And pray. Prayers for his family, prayers for his nurse today, but mostly prayers that he will cross into Jesus' arms without being afraid and without pain. I think that's the most we can offer any human, but especially a child.